Pest Control

If you've ever talked to someone who's had an encounter with an opossum they probably called it a possum. I will also call it a possum.

Possums are terrifying night-scavengers with pointy teeth.

If they were a creature from a Russian fairy tale they would pluck the tongues from children who told lies.

Instead, they root through your garbage and startle you when it's dark outside. The best way to handle them is via laser whip but since you've usually left that in your night stand, making noise or throwing rocks to startle them may work as well.

Why did you buy it if you're never going to use it?

If you have a persistent possum problem then you've just noticed how good I am at alliteration. You may also want to invest in fox urine granules, available in 20 oz., 3 lb. and 12 lb. sizes. The granules should rid you of those pesky possums but the scent of fox urine may attract other, larger predators to your home. This may includes coyotes, bobcats or depending on your local geography, timberwolves.

You'd have to live pretty far north.

With your new wolf problems you may find yourself needing a harder-hitting predator to clear the area. Bear urine should do the trick and you'll quickly find your home free of possums, foxes, wolves and friends.

Do not substitute synthetic bear urine with synthetic motor oil when servicing your car.

While wolves may think twice before coming around, you'll find you now have a rather large bear problem. Bears don't have any natural predators - but an unnatural predator's urine can be obtained to chase them away.

Obviously I'm talking about dinosaurs.

If Eric Kirby from Jurassic Park III is not available to collect T-Rex urine, you may have to improvise.

Then, to wrap-up this ridiculous game of animal urine one-upsmanship you'll need a beneficial predator (like bats, if you had mosquitos) to keep your T-Rex infestation in check. I recommend the Great White Hunter.

The most commonly available Great White Hunter is Muldoon from Jurassic Park -- although he may be engaged in a battle of wits and unavailable.

You may also want to consider the bad guy from Jumanji.

His name is Van Pelt and no, I haven't used too many pictures already.

Now that your predators are under control your only remaining concern will be guys with ridiculous accents and giant guns wandering around your property.

You can keep them in check by making a few modifications to a basic deer feeder:

I don't know. Were their accents even Australian?

You may now go on about your life content in knowing that an unceasing slaughter-circle of wealthy hunters, dinosaurs, bears, foxes and possums will be occurring around you at all times.