Crown Fucking Jewel

I recently had the pleasure of renting a car.

To be clear, nothing about the experience was pleasurable except for the part where they told me all they had left were Crown Victorias.

I performed a quick knife-hand strike to the clerk's throat so he wouldn't ruin the moment with any more words, grabbed my keys and ran outside.

There it sat.

The bland exterior oozed sex and power and kill and fuck. I could picture its uninspired lines and long wheelbase cutting a wide, comfortable swath through any who would oppose me. I was staring at a live power cable. The air was thick with ozone and I could faintly see blue sparks dancing about its exterior.

This car that stood before me, quivering with anticipation, was cast from liquid energy and poured into a mold made of power.

That power was mine to control.

I NOW COMMAND YOUR ROADS.

The trunk was easily big enough hold an entire mobile meth lab with room for two more in case one explodes. It swallowed my luggage whole and practically begged to be filled with bodies.

It would later go on to hold several bodies.

It drove like two couches strapped to an engine and held together with swagger. After rigging up a rope and zip-line system I was able to reach the passenger side of the vehicle comfortably and the round trip took less than two minutes.

This proved tricky on curves but was otherwise a successful maneuver on long stretches of straight road.

Everything inside was wrapped in leather and unremarkable styling that belied its monster-spirit within.

Also, it had armrests.

Between the power driver-side seat, the automatic headlights and the cruise control, I felt like the car must have arrived from the future, Terminator-like, in a ball of energy specifically to carry out its murder mission of comfortably carrying me to and from my destination.

Mission accomplished.

A pleasing feature resulting from being wrapped in so much steel and capacious luxury was the cavernous gas tank. It was large enough to empty one full gas station and required that I spend a king's ransom pumping the machine with distilled dinosaur-blood.

I also believe that driving a Crown Victoria allows you to blow through stop lights and speed. This belief resulted in a brief stint in county jail but I think that was a simple misunderstanding on the part of  local gendarmerie. I'll bring a light bar next time and I expect I won't have any problems.

The Crown Victoria gets a BBB+ rating and I would definitely rent it again. The only thing keeping it from 100% perfection was its inability to travel faster than light and awkwardly placed cup-holders.