25 March 2015

Hot Off the Presses

I have Google Alerts set up for Punchful, so I can find out when Buzzfeed picks me up or CNN cites me as a source.

Imagine my delight, then, when I saw an alert come through for Punchful the other day! What exciting chatter is occurring online that involves my tiny-ass blog? 

Ful punch kittens!? That's great. Studding available? Even better!

There's so much to be excited about in this broken English domain from India. So much, in fact, that I dare not dig any further for fear that the site in question may involve something with extreme kitten punching, or studding out kittens with punching involved.

And of course, kittens $.

So basically, I'm moving right on up in the world.

24 March 2015

The Gentle Art of Sandbagging

Working is hard, and the best workers have figured out ways to make it easier.

Carpenters saw their production increase tenfold with the advent of the hammer. Prior to this invention, nails were driven by into wood by sheer force of will.

Hammers, and other tools, make work easier by allowing one to accomplish the same amount of work with less effort, or in less time.

Another proven strategy for making working easier is to do less of it, in the same amount of time. Or to do the same amount of work over a longer period of time. This is sandbagging. By following the tips below you should see your productivity plummet, while experiencing zero increase in workload or accountability.

The Tactic:

Bury The Lede

The Execution:

Do you have an important deliverable you need to check on? Have you owed someone an e-mail for several days? Do it when no one's looking. Sending e-mails out right before the end of the workday or -- even better -- before the weekend, ensure that the ball will stay in their court for a very long time before they can dig out and give you the answer you were technically waiting for.

The Tactic:

Knights & Knaves

The Execution:

One of your statements is a lie. One of your statement is true. One of your statements can either be a lie or truth. Use all three in a conversation to confuse and dishearten your co-workers. Their broken spirits will lead to a slowdown in work all around. Offer to help in any way you can, while also questioning whether your help is even necessary in this situation. Expect frustration levels to rise and productivity to plummet.

The Tactic:

"Workin' on it, boss!"

The Execution:

How's your task coming along? You're working on it! Even if you worked on it a week ago, you're still kind of working on it, right? And that's much nicer to hear than "I'm not doing anything with that right now because IDGAF."

Because you're (allegedly) actively working on something, very few eyebrows will be raised and the inevitable missed deadline will be chalked up to The Fates.

The Tactic:

The Grail Knight

The Execution:

This is related to Bury The Lede (see above) and the two can be used in conjunction for a potent, sandy combo.

Simply put, wait as long as physically possible before reaching out to anyone for status updates, help, or contact of any kind. The key is to make sure you have the action item waiting for deployment at a moment's notice. Like, right after your boss asks you for a status update.

By waiting as long as possible and then obtaining an update seemingly on demand, people will quickly notice your ability to Get Things Done.

The Tactic:

Lowest Expectations

The Execution:

This is more of a long con and it takes dedication to do correctly.

By simply doing the bare minimum to avoid detection while still technically fulfilling the requirements of your job, you can lower your co-workers' expectations of your work output to barely measurable levels. You then have two options:

Continue working at this glacial pace. You'll never get anything done but, because you set that expectation right out of the gates, no one will even know. Or care. They'll pick up the significant amount of extra work that your shitty pace generates.

If you need a quick reputation boost, simply work one or two days at a regular pace. While this seems to be antithetical to sandbagging, it actually buys you so much goodwill and so many accolades that you may be able to return to an even lower work output afterwards. 

The Tactic:

The Social Butterfly

The Execution:

Use the following formula, where x is time you spend doing work and y is time you spend reading blogs:

x +.5y = T

T is the time you now need to spend socializing. Park it in a co-workers cube and dish. Be seen at lunch with different groups. Pop into offices to chat.

This may constitute slightly more work (notice you'll have to sacrifice some blog-reading time) but the net effect is that someone who's so friendly and so visible can't possible be a bad worker. Although it may appear that you never get anything done (you don't) you're so well-liked that people will assume it's someone else's fault. Or, ideally, another department. You may want to select a department that's not well liked and work in anecdotes about how bad they suck while you're being a social butterfly. This will let people come to their own conclusions based on your lies and exaggerations.

The Tactic:

The Machine

The Execution:

I'll state right up front that this requires more time at work. Don't confuse this with getting more work done.

Get in to the office early. It just has to be early enough that you're already there when most people are getting in. They'll think, "Boy, he or she is sure here early!" Appear to be working when they come in.

Stay late. Again, you don't have to stay super late; just late enough that people will see you in the office as they leave. They'll think, "Boy, he or she sure is here late!" As always, appear to be working.

Adding five minutes to your morning and five minutes to your afternoon could net you an apparent increase of a full hour or more spent at the office.

Combine this with an odd-hour lunch. If you're hunched over your computer when people are leaving for lunch, then no one knows when you really left. Take a two hour lunch; people will assume you worked through the lunch hour and either grabbed something quick or immediately got roped into a meeting.

Consequently, you'll gain a reputation for working very hard and being willing to put in the hours. People will be less likely to ask you to do things because you're so very, very busy all the time. You can also increase the amount of slack in your day significantly, since people assume you're putting in a very long day.


This list is by no means comprehensive and should serve only as a jumping off point for a fruitful life of dragging everyone around you down like an anchor. Sleep easily knowing your co-workers depressed moods will only serve to slow down the general pace of work even further. 

15 November 2013

101nd Post Spectacular!

Every time a TV show hits 100 episodes they always do something awesome like... like a clip show or a musical number or something.

I'll be observing my 101nd post (title pronounced "hundred and firstnd") by collecting something from some of my past posts and then doing something with those things.

[Edit: For some reason I let this one languish as a draft, so it's now the 10xnd post spectacular]

Let's begin!

"If I was at a dessert island, I'd probably go for carrot cake."

Mmmmm. I was in a hurry to get a first post out - It's two sentences and one of those two includes a grammatical error. Allow me to say now that I meant to say "on a dessert island". And to also apologize for the shitty pun.

"The crime is existing and the sentence is a lifetime of waving its tiny legs around like cloven antennae and cursing the thing that bore it and refused to kill it."

Not bad. I was full-on aping CRACKED at this point and I feel like I did a pretty good job of it here. Overwrought metaphors, generic referencies to eldritch horrors; these are the hallmarks of something written by one of their staff writers as opposed to a full-time columnist.

"Once the infrastructure is in place, I think Fruit by the Furlong will be a huge success."
Ha! Fruit by the Furlong! I kind of liked this one, because Fruit by the Furlong would actually require some extensive modifications to our basic infrastructure.
"And even if you did get your question answered by a doctor who also happened to be on the internet, I would follow up their answer with:
"Hey, shouldn't you be golfing!?" (Zing!)"
Doctor joke! It's pretty good.
"If a robot says that his job is killing him, he's probably being crushed to death by a giant cog when he says it."
This is a true statement.
"Like a game of chess, you get a free space in the middle of the board with no numbers on it."
Yep, pretty good. I'm sort of please with the misdirection in this metaphor.

"I usually run at the local velodrome. The sloped walls and smooth floor are more conducive to my average mile time: 1 minute."
Sometimes it's easier to resort to outright lies. This was one of those times.

"Do like... play beer pong, right? But with wasps instead of beer? And then if you lose dude you have to drink.


You have to drink wasps if you lose."

This one stands alone.


And that's it! Here's to x more posts, where x is equal to or greater than the current number of posts.

07 November 2013

17 September 2013

Eat More Bugs

But... Why?

The UN announced that we, in a last ditch effort to maintain supremacy of the planet, should eat more bugs. According to the UN, insects are "...nutritious [and] have a lot of protein."

They also go on to say that insects are "considered a delicacy in many countries" which is tremendous. It's also the reason that I drink a bottle of grain alcohol with a dead snake inside of it once a fortnight. 

It's a delicacy!

Then I follow that up with one of those eggs with the dead duck embryo inside. 


Like everyone else, I've been two steps ahead of the UN the entire time.

But How?

Another governing body, the FDA, sets forth guidelines on allowable defect levels in food. The Internet has covered this extensively. Suffice it to say, you're eating lots of bug legs and "grit" on the regular.

With this in mind, I thought I'd examine my peanut butter consumption. Let's say on average, I eat two tablespoons of peanut butter almost every damn day. Forever. 

According to the back of the jar, two tablespoons of peanut butter weighs 32 grams. 

According to the FDA's defect level guidelines, peanut butter is allowed to average 30 insect fragments per 100 grams before it becomes an actionable item. Reassuringly, insect fragments can come from pre and/or post harvest and/or processing infestation. 

If I eat 32g of peanut butter every business day, then I've eaten 32g of peanut butter roughly 250 days a year. That works out to 8000 grams of peanut butter.

On a side note that's almost 18 pounds of peanut butter. 

Assuming that most manufacturers run right up against that 30 allowable parts per 100 grams, then that 8000 grams of peanut butter could contain up to 2400 "insect fragments".

The FDA is unclear on what constitutes an "insect fragment" but I assume it's anything that could construe "bug parts". If it's legs, then in the last year I've eaten the legs off of four hundred insects. If it's strictly antennae, then I guess it could be the antennae off of 1200 insects.

I'm going to give myself a minute to consider this. 

That's A Lot of Insect Fragments

I don't think I can muster anything more than a shrug, here. If I've been eating peanut butter my entire life then I've surely eaten many, many more insect fragments along the way. That means I've been engaged in a low level of entomophagy before it was cool.

You probably haven't heard of it - it's called entomophagy? It's like, eating bugs? It's kind of mainstream now but I like their earlier stuff better. 

Your move, UN.

Post Script

If the FDA raised the allowable limits for insect fragments in all food items, then we could drive food costs down by having more relaxed inspection guidelines *and* drive insect consumption up by having more bugs in everything we eat. 

Capitalism. Boom.

10 September 2013

New iPhone!

Today, this 10th day of September in the year of our Lord two thousand thirteen, two new iPhones were announced.

In addition to the standard upgrades to stopping power and muzzle velocity, the new iPhones have several new, exciting features:

Extra Ashtrays

No longer forced to share an ashtray in the center console, rear seat passengers in your new phone will have access to their own in-door ashtray. It is the last word in driving luxury.

Intercom System

Apple fans, long tired of shouting downstairs, can now use the fully integrated intercom system to speak with family members. The intercom in the iPhone 5s will accept cassette tapes in addition to the AM/FM radio featured on the 5c model.

Indoor Plumbing

Users will no longer have to make use of a primitive outhouse when using the facilities. The new operating system comes with indoor plumbing, and is ready to accept any standard modern plumbing fixtures. Apple was able to achieve this and still shave .2 grams off of the overall weight of the phone.


Part of the new iOS7, Apple has figured out an exciting way to distance itself from its hunter/gatherer roots. Currently only offered on AT&T and T-Mobile, users will be able to live a life of sustenance farming via sowing staple crops.

Creaky Voice

Also known as "vocal fry", the iPhone 5s and 5c models will make it easier than ever before for anyone to use a lower tonal register when speaking or singing. By using creaky voice (referred to as  "Laryngealization" in Apple marketing materials), owners of the new phone will be able to reach one to two full octaves lower in speaking and singing than before. 


With practice, iPhones can now find well-water and spirit lines with better than random accuracy.

Spirit of the Forest

Added to the "Find my iPhone" app, user will be able to remotely summon a vengeful Forest Spirit to ensnare their iPhone in poisonous brambles until it can be located. Anyone who has ever lost a phone or summoned a Forest Spirit knows how handy this feature will be. Pundits have already pointed out, correctly, that the Forest Spirit is weak against fire enchantments and receives a movement penalty when facing Undead opponents. It's expected that Apple will release an update shortly after iOS7 goes live.

64-bit A7 Chip

This is a chip which has one more A than the other iPhone 5 but which also has twice as many bits. You'd think that to have twice as many bits that you'd have to have twice as many A's but you don't.

The End

09 September 2013

Supreme Lawncare Lifehack

If you have a lawn, and you mow it once a week, that's three solid months of your life wasted on an annual basis. Per year!

Over the course of your lifetime, you will have wasted enough years to have carried out two entire secret double lives as a "traveling salesman".

You can cut back on time spent taking care of the lawn by doing it once a year, during the summer. Lawns will often turn yellow during the warmer summer months as they go dormant to cope with the heat.

The trick is to push through the dormancy stage and drive that bastard right into a wall. Wait until the grass dies. Its color will change from a straw yellow to the white of sun bleached bones. You'll know it's time to mow when the grass crumbles into dust between ragged fingers and blows away on the hot, dead wind.

At this point, mowing is just a formality; the grass will shorten itself until your lawn is replaced with bare, cracked earth.

The rain will never come. You will live in a dustbowl of your own creation and watch helplessly as erosion carries away what was left.

When you're done, remember to drain the oil from your mower in preparation for winter!