27 September 2011

Man's Greatest Discovery

It can be stated, without hyperbole, that man's greatest discovery is The Bag
The bag is the one thing that separates us from the foul, stinking ape-men from which we evolved.

Travel, if you dare, to a world without bags.

Your journey begins at the airport. Without bags, we'd feverishly pull fistfulls of clothing from our trunk before the shuttle pulled away. Once on board, we'd find similarly harried passengers with great armloads of travel clothes and toiletries trying in vain to balance themselves without the benefits of poles or grips. 'Cause they can't use their hands on account of they're full of clothes.

The plane itself would be worse! Each overhead bin would be like unto a giant, shared washing machine overfilled with clean clothes. De-embarking would involving yanking your undergarments out of the bin while trying not to let everyone else's fall to the floor. Rates of airplane-related panty theft would skyrocket.

The odds of arriving at your destination with your orginal set of clothing would be slim, at best.

Without the benefit of bags we'd find our yards strewn with garbage, having no suitable way to contain and compartmentalize it. We would be under contstant attack from pickers and hoarders who, not using bags anyway, would see the world as some sort of vast Golden Corral of broken lamps and old computer desks.

Without bags, how would we move the books we don't read from one apartment to another?

Every sharp turn or sudden stop would be followed by the hollow metallic THUMP of 100 loose college textbooks and Stephen King novels slamming against the sides of your rented U-Haul. Imagine the fees! Once you've arrived you'd have no way to store the books you're not reading. You'd have to throw them in the attic without even pretending you'll get them back down, space permitting.

Blood donation would be an unrelenting nightmare. The less said about it, the better.

Except that there would be blood everywhere and in a world without bags, there would be no Capri Sun to help you re-balance your blood glucose levels. You would faint in a pool of everyone's blood.

The bag itself is a miracle. If I take a quarter inch cube of plastic and attempt to balance my groceries on it, I would surely fail. Unless I was buying bouillion cubes - I may see a measure of success there.

If I take that same amount of plastic and blow it into a loose bag shape, imagine how many Lunchables it would hold. It would surely hold inside of it many more Lunchables than I could stack on top of it.

The bag can be used to hold other bags - making it a sort of cornucopia of storage. A horn of plenty that dispenses things to be made into horns of plenty. Each bag can contain more bags and so on and so forth. The bag is the closest thing man will come to clutching infinity.

So let's sing the praises of The Bag, without which we would find our arms constantly full and our flour, sugar and coffee beans just completely spilled everywhere.

No comments:

Post a Comment