21 September 2011

Conflict Resolution

Having recently written about effective punching -- and given the title of the blog -- one might make me out to be some kind of opposite-of-pacifist.

Quite contrarily I live in the world and I understand that you can't solve all your problems with fists.

With that in mind, I present below three non-punching ways to resolve conflicts.

These are presented in order of increasing violence.

Box Jump

Philosophers of morality maintain that might makes right. You can use this to your advantage by showing your might and accordingly, how right you are.

The box jump expresses, very specifically, how high you can jump on something from a dead stop. It's useful for reaching high places (like a snooty concierge's desk) without using your hands (because they're full of Cirque du Soleil brochures).

A successful box jump ends with a very satisfying and authoritative stomp when you stick the landing. Be sure there's nothing fragile (like the concierge's keyboard) in your landing zone or you're guaranteed to smash it to pieces. This can be considered a "feature" of box-jumping onto things like desks, computers and telephones.

The post-stomp result is an end to whatever argument you were just having, with your victory having been agreed upon unanimously based on your apparent might.

The above video shows excellent box jumping technique onto a nearly four foot high platform from the seated position. Execution of the box jump from a chair can be handy if you sense that your job interview is going poorly and you need to decisively end it.

Drop Kick

The drop kick has successfully been employed by professional wrestlers for several decades. It is ineffective in that it ends with you falling to the ground, but very effective in that you look like a badass when you do it. Looking awesome is almost as important as being awesome and a drop kick is a good way to do both.

A drop kick is not a punt. For many years I thought it was; punting is useful only for sending small items (like the concierge's walkie-talkie) long distances (like across the hotel atrium).

Execution of a drop kick begins with a running leap. Your body should be horizontal when your feet connect with the concierge's face (so damn snooty!) and you knock him out of his chair. Be prepared for a hard landing.

Also be prepared to make that landing look like it doesn't hurt because the rest of the hotel guests will be watching, aghast, at the magnificent violence occcuring in and around the Guest Services area and you'll want to make sure that they think you look cool.

The drop kick is useful when intimidation has failed, but you aren't ready to escalate the situation to full-scale felonious assault.

Godzilla is employing a few advanced techniques here, including magic power enabled flight. Note, however, that he is back on his feet immediately. This is an important thing to remember for drop kicks of any stripe.

Axe Kick

The axe kick comes into play when both implied and theatrical violence have failed.

It may be appropriate to use the axe kick if you have still failed to get tickets to Zumanity, in spite of having subdued several members of the hotel staff and security has been notified.

The axe kick takes advantage of the heel's ability to concentrates the force of your strike into a smaller area. This principal of focused pressure is the same reason why being stepped on by a regular shoe is simply called "getting trampled escaping the hotel lobby" and being stepped on with a stiletto heel is called "an erotic thrill".

The axe kick also takes advantage of several large muscle groups acting in concert. Your posterior chain - and hamstring specifically - will be stretched like a rubber band at the apex of your kick.

That stretch will help you snap your heel down with tremendous force, like some kind of deadly spring loaded swinging thing.

Look exactly like this guy on the left and you've done it correctly.

If the hotel security guard was not expecting an Axe Kick to the face, he may then expect to be rendered unconscious. If the kick is delivered to a prone enemy - such as one who has recently been knocked unconscious - then you may wish to prepare yourself for the reality of having delivered a fatal strike.

If you have delivered a killing blow via axe kick, your feet should end approximately shoulder-width apart and your body will come to rest in a position outside of Nevada and preferably somewhere closer to Juarez where you can hide out for a long time.

Ignoring the soundtrack and focusing on the kicks, it's clear that this technique is viciously effective in addition to being lightning quick. Unexpected, even by the most hardened hotel manager.


You will, hopefully, reconsider resorting to your fists when presented with a tricky situation.

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