This is the human who will represent us when aliens invade and demand to speak to our leader.
If you are reading this but are not in the free world then don't worry. You can skip this post.
According to the rhetoric, we are trying to select the candidate for the most important job in the human race. As such, we would want to be well informed.
To aid in that effort, Google has created an election center where you (Americans and curious foreigners) can go see what's up.
It's very flashy and they have a lot of interactive maps and infographics you can poach but mostly it's good if you want to see what state was traveled to the most - and by whom!
There's a ton of links to news articles and some YouTube crap I'm not going to bother with but that's not really different than just using Google Regular. Although they do have info on your local polling spots and who's going to be on the ballots. That's good to know because in spite of popular belief, you can't just go to the courthouse and scream your vote at the top of your lungs.
Also considering how many other people are on the ballot, you'd find you quickly tire of voting in this manner. They put judges and stuff on there. What's that about?
This next site is a .org so you're guaranteed total neutrality:
But it's really ugly. I kept looking.
Here we go, CNN comes to the rescue:
You can click on a topic - we'll pick Guns - and then see what each candidate has said via direct quotes about it. There's also a pretty lengthy synopsis on each of their stances and whether there's any "buts" or "howevers" that need to be considered. Incidentally, both guys are way for guns. Totally. No one is taking any guns away or anything so don't go nuts for carbon fiber compound bows and hunting crossbows unless you're doing research for elaborate Walking Dead/Hunger Games fanfic.
Send me that fanfic when it's done - I'll proofread it for free.
Anyway I guess the lack of absolutes is fair, since they can't just say "vote for this guy 'cause we like him" and retain any semblance of impartiality.
Speaking of impartial, Fox News has something similar but it sucks. Not helpful.
You can go for isidewith.com. They have a quiz and everything and then at the end you can see who to vote for.
Also helpful: You can see who 4chan is going to vote for and then, as in all matters related to 4chan, do the exact opposite.
|The opposite of the Libertarian candidate would be the anarcho-fascist candidate I guess... so that's a tricky one.|
"I Side With" covers the tough issues, like whether or not you believe in evolution.
Some insight into the algorithm* they use would be good, in the interest of transparency...
Especially since I just took the quiz and they told me to vote for the Green party! There may have been a "Come on, stop fucking around" button I missed that limits the results to Obama or Romney.
Or, as your uncle may call them, No-Bama and Willard.
So in conclusion, I think ISideWith.com is going to be the best bet for what is an online quiz to help you decide who to vote for. There's very little reading involved.
In fact, of all the sites I listed I'd say there's the least amount of reading involved with that one. In that regard, I can't recommend it enough.
By and large, the Internet as represented through big sites like reddit (and the aforementioned 4chan) seems to think it's going Libertarian this year. That can't possibly be right so I imagine they'll work their way down the list of candidates and vote for the first non-joke one.
Also, did you know that there's a Justice party and and Constitution party? That's a pretty good move. You might be able to not vote for a Republic in favor of a Democracy but can you really vote against Justice?
I'm actually helping out with the "No Kicks in the Nuts" party in 2016 because if you don't vote for no kicks in the nuts, then you're voting for more kicks in the nuts. I'm pretty sure that election is going to be a blowout.
I hate typing stuff in camelcase but URLs can become unreadable if you don't. So, that sucks.
Also, ISideWith does allow you to drill down into specific statements candidates have made that figure into the maths they use. That's good if you like reading. Nerd.