28 August 2012

Wasp v. WASP

I received a series of texts from my wife the other day detailing the exquisit set of trials to which she had just subjected a wasp. It read like the boastings of a killer:

"I trapped a wasp. I've put him in the outside trash can.

If he's smart, he'll get out.

If not, then too bad for Mr. Wasp.

I broke one wing and told him that if he could fly out he would have freedom.

If not, he could end it all by figuring out how to sting himself."

I told her that if he lives, she had probably just created a wasp super-villain in the spirit of The Punisher.

In addition to the engorged sense of pride I felt at bearing witness to her cunning and theatric sense of punishment, I couldn't help but feel that there was a missed opportunity there.

Oh, to catch a wasp!

It's certainly not an easy task and not for the faint of heart or weak of spirit. But once caught - you've opened up a new world of possibilities. To carry around a wasp in a bell jar is to touch God.

So what could she have done besided subject him to a Saw-like survival puzzle?

In The Car

This is a bold move for the brave. You, the driver, reach into your cupholder and unscrew the top of your wasp jar. Panic grips the passengers! Who will be stung? Can the windows roll down or have the child locks already been engaged? Can the driver keep their cool and avoid putting the car in a ditch? No matter what, it will be a trip to brunch that will be remembered forever.

The Elevator

A wasp in an elevator! Who ever heard of such a thing? No one. And that's why their panic will be so tangible when you give that jar a shake and let the wasp out. Never will an elevator have moved so slowly as the elevator full of people and one increasingly confused wasp.

At the Office

You are, perhaps, a better person than any other who has had a wasp in a jar. You made it all the way to work without unleashing it! You'll taste the confusion in the air as a wasp menacingly patrols the 30th floor of a high-rise. How did it get there? Is there a nest? Are there more wasps waiting for the screams to begin?

Post-Graduate Wasp Play

The following are advanced-level wasp play. Do not attempt unless you've already mastered dancing on the razor's edge of wasp competition.

Duel in the Powder Room

Do you have access to a half-bath or powder room? Go there now and bring your wasp. Turn off the lights and release the wasp. You and the wasp are now engaged in a battle of wills. Who will break first? Will darkness engulf you both? The Olympic record was set in the first Modern Olympic Games by Tadeusz Henriczewski of the Liberated Palitnate of Wurzburg. It was 15 hours, 30 seconds. Tadeusz claimed he could have gone longer had he not been doing 2 oz. shots of mercury every two hours for increased vigor.

Wasp Goggles

Obviously this will require two wasps and two jars. Double check your vision plan, or purchase accidental death and dismemberment coverage before attempting.

Wasp Shakespeare

Will an infinite number of wasps buzzing angrily around an infinite number of typewriters eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare?

They will not.

Your task here is to attempt to describe the feeling of an infinite number of wasp stings for eternity. If you're writing it down, make sure to use college-ruled paper to get more bang for your buck.

Schrodinger's Wasp

Seal yourself inside a box with a wasp in a jar. Have an observer contemplate the quantum nature of your position. Until they open they box you have both been stung and not stung by the wasp. It is only until they open the box to observe you that they force you into one state. That state will be dead from starvation.

The Riddle of the Wasp

What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the noon and three legs at night?

This is a trick question. In your case it's three wasps in jars and they're all stinging you while you contemplate the solution.

Knights and Knaves (And Wasps)

You are on an island. All inhabitants are either Knights who always tell the truth; Knaves who always lie or Wasps in jars who will sting you. You come across three inhabitants and must determine, via yes or no questions, which is the Knight, the Knave and the Wasp.

Solution: The wasp will sting all three of you and the Knave will claim that it doesn't hurt.

Beer Pong But With Wasps Instead of Beer

Do like... play beer pong, right? But with wasps instead of beer? And then if you lose dude you have to drink.


You have to drink wasps if you lose.


"Twas a brave woman who trapt the first wasp" is a quote I'm falsely attributing to Jonathon Swift. I think Nietzsche said "Wasps is dead, except for when your wife traps them and releases them in the trash can where they can die by their own stinger or live to discover the inherent glory found in the beauty of every new sunrise."

I think something they can both agree on is that wasps will sting you if caught inexpertly.

Something I can both agree on is that any further capturing of wasps around the house will fall to my wife, who will then subject that wasp to a fresh new Hell before they escape.

I will also continue capturing WASPs and putting them through the selfsame barrage of obstacles before they are permitted to taste freedom.

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