03 August 2011

(Sh)udder-ly Moo-verlous

Let me begin by apologizing for my terrible pun.

I can't apologize for this one, though:

Marvelous has one "r" and no "moo"s. 

I wish that butchering the English language was the only crime that occurred here. The greater crime is that committed against nature, happening right below the sign:

Surprise! Your very existence is offensive.

It's much more than just a moo-verlous cookie jar (at 30% off!).

The cow's legs are so short as to be vestigial. They're something evolution left around as a mocking reminder of all the great walking this cow could be doing. Instead, it bears its full weight on grotesquely swollen udders. The crime is existing and the sentence is a lifetime of waving its tiny legs around like cloven antennae and cursing the thing that bore it and refused to kill it.

I can't look at this thing and not think of an obscene, pagan fertility statue. Not Hathor, though. The Egyptians had class and this does not - and on top of that it probably predates the earliest dynastic rule by 1,000 years. I can pretty much guarantee that underneath that glossy glaze and cheery paint are the furtive chisel marks of a long dead stonecutter. If you opened the lid it would be filled with burnt offerings left by newlyweds for good luck.

What I'm saying is it's the Venus of Willendorf, but a cow instead.

I Get It, It's a Weird Jar

Wait! What about this brood of shambling child-things?

Assure me that these do not crawl on their udders.

This generously discounted cow jar just just sits there - reproducing asexually and suckling its horrible children. I blame Science - they've been trying to combine mammals and insects for years. This whole thing just doesn't sit well. I could swear I've seen this same set of traits before in a documentary by French director Jean-Pierre Jeunet. I just wish I could remember what it was called...

Oh yeah, it was called Alien Resurrection and it kind of sucked.

What bothers me most about this whole thing is that I didn't buy the coffee mugs (at 30% off!) when I got the chance and now I don't have anything to take to work and weird people out.

Except this, I guess.

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