07 March 2012

Wanted: Bass Player

I don't understand politics, and in the grand tradition of hating things we don't understand, I also hate politics. Hate is a strong word; it's more of a passionate disinterest.

Often I feel like I'm being forced to choose between vanilla and tapioca (although that's not fair because tapioca wins every time because it's great and his has a unique texture). Also as Kodos and Kang pointed out, voting for a third party is tantamount to throwing away your vote. So maybe a better metaphor is choosing between vanilla and vanilla?

I feel like I should list the names of the current Republican nominees in here a bunch of times with links so I can pull in clicks but that seems... unethical. But damn though, that's a fine idea.

Anyway, of the entire field of republican nominees over the last something years there's only one that stuck out in my head:

The guy that played bass.

That's pretty cool. Les Claypool plays the bass as well and if this guy (Mike Huckabee, as it turns out) is anywhere near his calibre then I would definitely vote for him as President of the United Bass of Rock. But I probably wouldn't vote for Les.

That's a total lie. If Les Claypool was running with the reanimated corpse of Jaco Pastorius as his VP I would vote for them both because of the necromancy implicit in bringing Jaco back to life (Les as a dark wizard?) and also because I'd like to guarantee entertainmening, technical bass playing for four solid years.

Back to Huckabee, though. In all honesty I couldn't even remember his name; just his stance:

First of all I'm ashamed to have used Bing for anything besides a punchline.

But also, how awesome is it that he played bass? Obama smoke(d)s and that's pretty cool but it's not as cool as if he was frontman for Black Flag.

Someone else already did that.

Bill Clinton played saxophone. This was addressed in the theme song to Animaniacs and in probably one thousand Tonight Show monologues but the sax isn't a very cool instrument. I feel like it's been done, ya know? If Bill Clinton played jazz vibraphone then I don't think anyone would have made fun of him, and then Monica Lewinsky joke!

There isn't really a point here, I don't think. All I'm saying is that if I heard "Newt Gingrich something something tons of divorces prog rock drum solo," then I'd say "I dunno maybe I'd vote for that guy who I heard played the drums?"

But also, if Obama announced that he was working on his two-hand tapping chops for guitar, and that his band was called "The Echoing Halls of Democracy" and that on his next vacation he was actually going on a mini-tour of the American Southeast with Mike Portnoy filling in on drums (because Mike seems to do that these days) then he (Obama) could pretty much guarantee four more years in office.

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