23 January 2012


Gaston, the unfairly villified villain of Beauty and the Beast, has some notworthy accomplishments. For example, he was nearly able to best a hideous man-beast in hand-to-hand combat. This same beast took on an entire pack of wolves earlier in the story; this makes Gaston about as strong as a pack of wolves. He also has a wolf-pack sized ego that generally puts him in a very good place, mentally.

But even Gaston gets blue sometimes, and when he does he gets an entire tavern to make up a song about how great he is. Here are some Gaston Facts:

Gaston is quick.

Gaston is slick.

Gaston has a very thick neck.
     Gaston's neck is not only thick, but his traps are strong enough to break a leather belt. This is noteworthy and probably a result of his diet and exercise.

Gaston is a kingpin.

Gaston has got a swell cleft in his chin.
     This is important.

Gaston fights well.

Gaston fights dirty in wrestling matches and may bite.

Gaston has biceps to spare.
     He is shown doing a one-arm overhead press with an oaken bench full of chesty barmaids.This likely figures into his workout routine, discussed later.

Pictured: Spare biceps and hot-ass village girls.

Gaston is covered in hair -- every last inch.
     This must be a metaphor because Gaston is only shown as having hair on his head and chest. He fails to have hairy arms but I will otherwise take him at his word, in terms of hair-havingness.

Gaston hits well.

Gaston can match wits better than anyone else.
     At this point, Gaston upends a chess table and has previously been shown to probably not read so good. But he is very good at scheming; this is perhaps what they mean when they say quick-witted.

Gaston eats five dozen eggs every morning.
     At around 90 calories an egg, Gaston is putting away 5400 calories and about 360 grams of protein before he even starts his day. This is on top of his regular food intake, which probably consists of beer and ducks that he has shot. It's this kind of dedication to eating big that has allowed him to lift big and fight enchanted monsters. There's a lesson there, and that lesson is probably called the Gaston Workout Plan.

Gaston is an expert marksman with a rifle.

Gaston stomps well in boots.
     Gaston is shown here stomping in boots. He does it well.

Gaston also does a series of other things well; so much so that they roll over into another song:

Gaston is great at plotting.

Gaston takes cheap shots, very well.

Gaston is tops at planning to persecute harmless crackpots.

Gaston and his hype man LeFou pose the question (while getting a bit meta), "Who can make up these endless refrains like Gaston?"

The answer is no one.

While those last few characteristics are not as admirable as the others, it's pretty clear that Gaston is Champion of the World in many key categories. That makes him a true renaissance man and elevates him above The Beast, who can't even eat oatmeal right.

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