20 December 2011

Traveling at the Speed of Life

Traffic is awful and a waste of time.

That's not true; you can do the crossword if you drive with your knees and it gives you time to text your friends or order shit from Amazon.

But it also makes you think. And observe. For example if you observe your speedometer closely, it may give you some helpful clues about the type of traffic you may find yourself in.

0 mph

Your car is stopped. If you're on the freeway, then that means you're stopped in traffic.This is handy if you're driving blindfolded and cannot see the traffic around you.


Although, in that scenario you wouldn't be able to see the speedometer either.

At any rate, you're at a standstill. If it's August, you're probably also sweating through your dress shirt so don't forget to freshen up before that big interview. Also, the speedometer is telling you you're going to be late to your big interview.

Stop sweating.

5 mph

You're still in traffic, but it's probably raining. Everyone on the road is an idiot and doesn't know how to drive in the rain.

Except for you.

The constant white noise of rain drilling the roof of your car is like one of those zen fountains as re-wired by Tim the Toolman Taylor.

Try not to brake too hard because all of this traffic is going to make it hard to execute a proper hit and run.

30 mph - Speed Limit

If you're driving this fast and you're not in a school zone, then you're probably facing a regular commute. Find someone driving more dangerously than you are and follow that person. They'll identify all the openings in traffic by allowing their turn signal to blink once and then shooting the gap.

If that person is on a motorcycle and you are not, please see above for "0 mph" or prepare yourself for the previously mentioned hit and run.

This would probably be a good time to execute the dreaded "Swoop and Squat" that that State Farm guy talks about. Insurance fraud can be a lucrative hobby.

10+ mph Over Speed Limit

Congratulations! You're zipping along through a total lack of traffic. This is your new Christmas break and your new summer vacation.

Your victory is hollow, however, for two reasons:

If no one else is on the road then they're on vacation and not at all on their way to work. That means there's probably more people laughing at you than you're laughing at. Now you aren't just commuting; you're commuting as Carrot Top.

On account of everyone laughs at that guy but in a bad way.

Also shitty: You will miss that part on the morning drive show where they call someone and fake-deliver flowers to them to fake-expose a cheating significant other. You love that part. But you'll be at work when they do it because you're making such good time.

20+ mph Over Speed Limit

Uh oh! Where is everybody? It could be The Rapture, or they could have been methodically slain by robots. The end result is similar.

Suddenly a wide open freeway seems less than appealing. But don't fret! Turn around and go home - you now have the rest of your life to start a (one man) band or master oil painting. Maybe learn French like you always meant to!

The best part is that no one will be able to critique (or view or appreciate) your work! You better quickly find contentment in spending the rest of your days eating canned food and writing symphonies that will never be heard by another human. You may also want to grab a few books aboutthe slow food movement; so you don't die of starvation over a lifetime of winters without functioning supermarkets.

Also, stop sweating.

I guess though sometimes there's just not that much traffic on the road and that's so weird but it's probably not because everyone disappeared.

No comments:

Post a Comment