New iPhone!

Today, this 10th day of September in the year of our Lord two thousand thirteen, two new iPhones were announced.

In addition to the standard upgrades to stopping power and muzzle velocity, the new iPhones have several new, exciting features:

Extra Ashtrays

No longer forced to share an ashtray in the center console, rear seat passengers in your new phone will have access to their own in-door ashtray. It is the last word in driving luxury.

Intercom System

Apple fans, long tired of shouting downstairs, can now use the fully integrated intercom system to speak with family members. The intercom in the iPhone 5s will accept cassette tapes in addition to the AM/FM radio featured on the 5c model.

Indoor Plumbing

Users will no longer have to make use of a primitive outhouse when using the facilities. The new operating system comes with indoor plumbing, and is ready to accept any standard modern plumbing fixtures. Apple was able to achieve this and still shave .2 grams off of the overall weight of the phone.

Agriculture

Part of the new iOS7, Apple has figured out an exciting way to distance itself from its hunter/gatherer roots. Currently only offered on AT&T and T-Mobile, users will be able to live a life of sustenance farming via sowing staple crops.

Creaky Voice

Also known as "vocal fry", the iPhone 5s and 5c models will make it easier than ever before for anyone to use a lower tonal register when speaking or singing. By using creaky voice (referred to as  "Laryngealization" in Apple marketing materials), owners of the new phone will be able to reach one to two full octaves lower in speaking and singing than before. 

Dowsing

With practice, iPhones can now find well-water and spirit lines with better than random accuracy.

Spirit of the Forest

Added to the "Find my iPhone" app, user will be able to remotely summon a vengeful Forest Spirit to ensnare their iPhone in poisonous brambles until it can be located. Anyone who has ever lost a phone or summoned a Forest Spirit knows how handy this feature will be. Pundits have already pointed out, correctly, that the Forest Spirit is weak against fire enchantments and receives a movement penalty when facing Undead opponents. It's expected that Apple will release an update shortly after iOS7 goes live.

64-bit A7 Chip

This is a chip which has one more A than the other iPhone 5 but which also has twice as many bits. You'd think that to have twice as many bits that you'd have to have twice as many A's but you don't.

The End