Congratulations! You only just fell asleep an hour ago. Even though you're awake now you'll have no trouble falling back asleep and getting what might still constitute a very decent amount of sleep.
"Oh my God. I'm exhausted."
Better check that clock! Even though you think you going to be sleep-walking through your day at unprecedented levels of fatigue, it's actually only 3:00 in the morning.
Take care not to spend the next three - four hours trying to figure out why you're awake. You might be able to pull out of this tailspin and have a regular, awful day!
Uh oh! You just woke up twenty minutes before your alarm goes off. As bad as that was, get ready 'cause you're going to fall back asleep anyway and get jolted awake by the actual alarm. You're thinking about doing something productive with your extra twenty minutes ("Oh shit, the taxes!") but you won't. You won't do the dishes either and you won't take an extra long shower.
"Why is it so bright outside?"
You slept in past your alarm, dope. That's why it's so bright outside.
What's the bare minimum you can do to get ready for work? You're about to find out.
Are you going to e-mail your boss and tell them you're coming in late, or just put the pedal to the metal and hope for the best? You'll find that out too!
"Is that AM or PM?"
You're relying on your microwave, coffee machine, stove or other appliance for the time. Are you actually unsure of whether or not it's 4:00 in the morning or 4:00 at night?
Look around for empty bottles of liquor. Are your hands covered in blood?
You blacked out and did something awful. Good luck!
"It's 4:20 somewhere!"
Is it? That's only true if it's 20 minutes past the hour in your current time zone. Besides, that's a stupid idiom and you are a lesser person for using it. Also true of
"It's 5:00 somewhere!"
Just do it -- you don't need to use the clock as a crutch.
"Two hairs past a freckle!!"
You're in fourth grade, and you're not well liked by your classmates or your friends and it's not going to get any better if you keep rehashing tired crap like that.
"Time for you to get a watch!"
Thanks for that. You're a real class act.
That sounds serious.
A valid answer that will always sound cooler in your head right before you utter it. Redemption lies in wearing a parachute when you say it.
"Time to rock!"
Always true, and never inappropriate.
"It's time for you to go."
If you hear this then it either means that things are about to get really weird and you're not invited, or it means you're making things really weird for everyone else and you're no longer invited.
Time to rock.