The Simple Joys

I usually run at the local velodrome. The sloped walls and smooth floor are more conducive to my average mile time: 1 minute.

But they had to take the velodrome to the shop and so I found myself running at the covered track at the rec center, where I post much more realistic and underwhelming times.

I immediately noticed to small girls running what could only be characterized as amok. "Fine," I told myself. "They are of no concern to you" I further told myself in my best Emperor Palpatine voice.

I flew around the track at sub-world record pace when I suddenly turned I blind corner and saw those same two girls. Playing. Hiding out of sight. Volleyball in hand. Precocious. If I had run into them at speed, they would've had to build a memorial statue for all three of us. "Look out!" I shouted [told them]. Bits of plaster shook down from the ceiling and cracks appeared in the half inch thick storm glass lining the track. Even though, like the mighty Thu'um of the Nords my shout had knocked the little girls back several yards, they landed on their feet, undeterred. Their eyes narrowed to slits and they continued playing with their volleyball as I thundered past them. Each footfall cracked the surface of the track like arid desert soil.

Laps being what they are, I knew I'd run into them again and by God I hoped I would because I was ready this time. I knew they would be hiding around a blind corner with their legs all out in the track and being all, childish and unattended. I also knew that if this happened, the printing presses at all major dictionaries would be thrown to a stop as they frantically attempted to redefine the words "browbeating" and "pointless lecturing". I wasn't disappointed.

They were there! Covering five yards with every stride I closed on them quickly and, deftly manuevering between the traps they had laid out I bellowed "You guys gotta move." Only in my head there were exclamation marks at the end!

Knocked flat on their asses! Is what would have happened if I had done anything to effect that happening. Instead, they sulked off the floor and sulked over to the door, which they then sulked through.

Triumph!

I continued running, buoyed by the joy you can only feel by being a buzzkill grownup. To be able to bend the wills of others so effortlessly... it's like a drug.

Only thank God they weren't teenage boys 'cause otherwise I would have had to ask the lady at the desk to ask them to stop fucking around.

Bane's Workout Guide

I think any high-calorie, low-rep lifting plan would give you the "World's Strongest Man" look that Christopher Nolan's Bane has achieved.

Almost certainly no shrugs. Just squats and deadlifts.

And if you restrict your calories too much you'll end up looking really cut like Tom Hardy in The Warrior instead of looking like an all-around asskicker like Tom Hardy in The Dark Knight Rises.

Full disclosure: Even thought I know this I still spent the three days after seeing TDKR looking desperately for the magic thing Tom Hardy did to put on 30 pounds.

Then my senses got the better of me and I remembered it was probably a secret combination of diet and exercise. Kind of like when any actor puts on muscle for any role ever.

Or when anyone gets in shape over a period of time anywhere. Diet and exercise.

I'm not really sure what I was expecting to find.

Gaston

Gaston, the unfairly villified villain of Beauty and the Beast, has some notworthy accomplishments. For example, he was nearly able to best a hideous man-beast in hand-to-hand combat. This same beast took on an entire pack of wolves earlier in the story; this makes Gaston about as strong as a pack of wolves. He also has a wolf-pack sized ego that generally puts him in a very good place, mentally.

But even Gaston gets blue sometimes, and when he does he gets an entire tavern to make up a song about how great he is. Here are some Gaston Facts:

Gaston is quick.

Gaston is slick.

Gaston has a very thick neck.
     Gaston's neck is not only thick, but his traps are strong enough to break a leather belt. This is noteworthy and probably a result of his diet and exercise.

Gaston is a kingpin.

Gaston has got a swell cleft in his chin.
     This is important.

Gaston fights well.

Gaston fights dirty in wrestling matches and may bite.

Gaston has biceps to spare.
     He is shown doing a one-arm overhead press with an oaken bench full of chesty barmaids.This likely figures into his workout routine, discussed later.

Pictured: Spare biceps and hot-ass village girls.

Gaston is covered in hair -- every last inch.
     This must be a metaphor because Gaston is only shown as having hair on his head and chest. He fails to have hairy arms but I will otherwise take him at his word, in terms of hair-havingness.

Gaston hits well.

Gaston can match wits better than anyone else.
     At this point, Gaston upends a chess table and has previously been shown to probably not read so good. But he is very good at scheming; this is perhaps what they mean when they say quick-witted.

Gaston eats five dozen eggs every morning.
     At around 90 calories an egg, Gaston is putting away 5400 calories and about 360 grams of protein before he even starts his day. This is on top of his regular food intake, which probably consists of beer and ducks that he has shot. It's this kind of dedication to eating big that has allowed him to lift big and fight enchanted monsters. There's a lesson there, and that lesson is probably called the Gaston Workout Plan.

Gaston is an expert marksman with a rifle.

Gaston stomps well in boots.
     Gaston is shown here stomping in boots. He does it well.

Gaston also does a series of other things well; so much so that they roll over into another song:

Gaston is great at plotting.

Gaston takes cheap shots, very well.

Gaston is tops at planning to persecute harmless crackpots.

Gaston and his hype man LeFou pose the question (while getting a bit meta), "Who can make up these endless refrains like Gaston?"

The answer is no one.

While those last few characteristics are not as admirable as the others, it's pretty clear that Gaston is Champion of the World in many key categories. That makes him a true renaissance man and elevates him above The Beast, who can't even eat oatmeal right.